Stealth

My internal monologues are tiresome. There was a point where journalling was helpful and then, it was hard to be honest even to myself. I am not sure why that happened. May be it was my displayed emotions or the image. May be it was that I was internalising the narrative and it was slowly becoming my reality. May be it was there are parts of myself that I am trying to protect from myself. May be it’s all of this or none of this. 

Anyway, mostly there will be a point where I procrastinate for too long until it becomes too hard to hold it, and then it all comes out all at the same time. 

Today I felt that. But even at this point I don’t know what I am going to write. 

But, am just trying to go with the flow. 

This is as unfiltered as it can be. I do feel a bit vulnerable; there is a slight anxiety as I have no plan, no ideas, no notions.

I do want to try to be as honest as possible to myself. For an overthinker that I am, it should be a welcome break. I hope. I don’t know. 

I have introspected a lot over the last year. Too much happened in too little time. It was hard being thrown off balance. I was too invested in certain things, and suddenly when it is taken away, you feel lost. 

But then I did regain my footing, in fact I tried to be brave, and I kept to myself, I tried to be the proverbial duck, calm on the outside, paddling underneath. I tried to put my best foot forward, and tried to reach the same destination in many paths. Multiple iterations. What do I say, a lot of effort, not much outcomes. But, I realised I was resilient. I am a survivor. 

I am never alone. I have my people. I try to be other people’s people. I realised, I have empathy. 

I have my moments. I have my doubts. I question myself. I worry a lot. I have fear of missing out. I need to let go a lot. 

I try to be present, but I miss a lot. I try to be perceptive, but my judgement is mostly wrong. I want to help, but I don’t know how to. 

I have a lot of happiness. I am proud. But, I am too scared that it won’t last long. 

I have a lot of pain. But, I cannot share. I see my people hurt. But, I am helpless. 

There are things I can control and some that spiral out of. 

I lose my sleep. I dream a lot. 

I feel awake. I have a drive. I am coming in hot. 

I have my secrets. I will never bare it all. 

I know your secrets. But I will try not to be biased at all. 

I pretend not to care. Be cool. Then I bother to explain it all. 

I am grateful. I know my blessings. I keep them close to my heart. 

I am greedy. I want more. I deserve more. I have not figured out how to stand up for myself.

I have my escapes. My alternate universe. I have my breif moments of peace. Short repreives. 

I have my chaos. It does not last too long. Or so I convince myself. 

I have my stories. It is not too different from yours after all. 

I have it all. 

Or not at all.