I am

I am the movie that I paused to hand out the cereal bowls

Also the one shouting up the stairs so they won’t miss the dentist appointment 

Waking up from a good night’s sleep because I still met the deadlines though it was a very tough week

The one that goes about doing the chores listening to “I can do it with a broken heart”

Sending some reels and pictures of what I find funny to the numerous social groups I am on

I am the smell of the fabric softener that I used to hand-wash the jumpers today

I am the blossoms in my backyard

And the clump of petals that withered

The one that feeds what my son calls my feather babies

Before I pack bags for this weekend in the city with our friends tonight

And also the one perpetually bothered about tomorrow

I am today

Stealth

My internal monologues are tiresome. There was a point where journalling was helpful and then, it was hard to be honest even to myself. I am not sure why that happened. May be it was my displayed emotions or the image. May be it was that I was internalising the narrative and it was slowly becoming my reality. May be it was there are parts of myself that I am trying to protect from myself. May be it’s all of this or none of this. 

Anyway, mostly there will be a point where I procrastinate for too long until it becomes too hard to hold it, and then it all comes out all at the same time. 

Today I felt that. But even at this point I don’t know what I am going to write. 

But, am just trying to go with the flow. 

This is as unfiltered as it can be. I do feel a bit vulnerable; there is a slight anxiety as I have no plan, no ideas, no notions.

I do want to try to be as honest as possible to myself. For an overthinker that I am, it should be a welcome break. I hope. I don’t know. 

I have introspected a lot over the last year. Too much happened in too little time. It was hard being thrown off balance. I was too invested in certain things, and suddenly when it is taken away, you feel lost. 

But then I did regain my footing, in fact I tried to be brave, and I kept to myself, I tried to be the proverbial duck, calm on the outside, paddling underneath. I tried to put my best foot forward, and tried to reach the same destination in many paths. Multiple iterations. What do I say, a lot of effort, not much outcomes. But, I realised I was resilient. I am a survivor. 

I am never alone. I have my people. I try to be other people’s people. I realised, I have empathy. 

I have my moments. I have my doubts. I question myself. I worry a lot. I have fear of missing out. I need to let go a lot. 

I try to be present, but I miss a lot. I try to be perceptive, but my judgement is mostly wrong. I want to help, but I don’t know how to. 

I have a lot of happiness. I am proud. But, I am too scared that it won’t last long. 

I have a lot of pain. But, I cannot share. I see my people hurt. But, I am helpless. 

There are things I can control and some that spiral out of. 

I lose my sleep. I dream a lot. 

I feel awake. I have a drive. I am coming in hot. 

I have my secrets. I will never bare it all. 

I know your secrets. But I will try not to be biased at all. 

I pretend not to care. Be cool. Then I bother to explain it all. 

I am grateful. I know my blessings. I keep them close to my heart. 

I am greedy. I want more. I deserve more. I have not figured out how to stand up for myself.

I have my escapes. My alternate universe. I have my breif moments of peace. Short repreives. 

I have my chaos. It does not last too long. Or so I convince myself. 

I have my stories. It is not too different from yours after all. 

I have it all. 

Or not at all. 

Little things to get over a 1000 mini-crises

 

This self-narrative is my reality.

Days and nights come and go.

What choice do we have but just go on?

Mind you, not move on; just go on.

 

A rough couple of months

Out of my comfort zone

Things changed; but in its wake came the question.

Am I enough?

 

Spent the first few weeks vacuuming and deep cleaning.

Then replaced a few relationships with mindless scrolling of reels.

Read fan fiction; made some theories that I will never dare to post!

Keep swimming; this too shall pass.

 

Tried to keep my cool; be strong for others

I briefly looked up from the screen; only to pick up some books and read.

No number of words could fill the void.

Was I ever enough?

 

My playlist changed to match the internal chaos.

But could not drown the voices from outside.

Clothes started to pile up, and dishes to do.

Stopped checking in on people, not that many noticed I was gone.

 

This cannot go on.

Maybe a bit of prep could help.

Introspection, checklists, spreadsheets

Called people for advice; heard different perspectives.

Dust is beginning to settle.

 

Spring this time felt like autumn.

Summer is already here.

Had to come out of the shell.

Have I pushed the limits of my s(h)elf-life?

Enough already?

 

Well, nothing dramatic like a makeover or a haircut!

Cost of living crisis? Nah

More like a self-preservation tactic

Spruced the neglected house a bit.

Sorry, had to throw away a few dead plants!

 

My boys and family always know, but don’t sweat about it too much.

Between their snuggles and cuddles

And mid-day huddles on the phone

Things feel under control, but then the chatter builds up again.

Will I ever be enough?

 

Tried binge-watching a few series but dropped them midway.

The ones that I liked are borderline cringe, but nobody needs to know.

Took long walks and clicked 1000 pictures.

Freezing the good moments in the mornings

Only to look at, in the middle of the night

Help to get over this sense of redundancy?

 

There are some things that show promise.

A change in the horizon

But more than looking forward to it.

Why do I look back at things that were?

Still not sure enough.

 

It is still not the end.

This is one hell of a loop.

And, jumping through more than a few hoops

But you have to do what you have to do

 

It could be…

A K-pop song.

DIY videos; and recipes for cocktails I will never try.

Google Drive throwback pictures

A free course on Linked-In

Primary school b-day parties

A red lipstick

Sleeping through the Mario movie

Teams chat or an IG DM

Parents on a holiday

Clean linen

Calvin and Hobbes; and 1000 other memes

Silhouette of your partner sleeping

WhatsApp group messages

One-day trips

A fad diet.

Hashtags of your favorite band’s concert

Oversharing with strangers

Looking out of a window

Finding cute notes in school bags

Even blogging like this?

 

There is no mountain high enough.

With all these little things to get through it

Just processing.

Input. Output.

Go on.

 

Interlude

Somewhere between a dream and a nightmare is a trance

And, it is not chance that I have these recurring visions

Of roads, places, and smells, that take me to you

And, yet I am not there

I kept taking the turn but never got past the junction

Stuck at the cross-section always

Well, it may sound metaphorical, but truly feels real



When I look around, what I have now is not bad at all

It may be even really good

Still, it does not make it any easy knowing I cannot be there as much as I wish



I believe this is that interlude

Where you watch your life unfold, like an outsider looking into your own life

I may be at the beginning of the beginning

Of things, I will reflect on later

Probably it is too early to count my regrets

Yet, I am on a sliding scale

Finding peace, between guilt-tripping and living in the moment

Apparently, you only live once

But, feels like a 1000 different lives in one

Closer

Who does not want some moments to last a bit longer?

To be in that hug for one more minute?

To hold close, to never let loose

To wake up, but still, stay in bed

Before the chaos hit

And, it feels like you have to choose

One thing over the other

No choice but to choose

Also, that no one can have it all

At least, not all of all

Why cannot we stay like this forever?

Secretly envying those who could

Or is it that it was tough for you too?

And, I never knew

That you just had to do the things you got to do

Because you are good at not letting the world know

And, I am not

So, I withdraw

I do not talk about it

Not that it is too hard

But, it is easier not to

So, we just go down the rabbit holes that this metaverse has to offer

When your universe boils down to a few people

Does the world outside matter?

Yes, I got to be grateful for everything I have

So, I just hold this moment a little bit more closely

For, I feel this now; this today is all I have with you

D(a)emons!

I am trying to bury myself in a social media black hole

Busying myself; liking others pictures and posts

I sometimes think I really, badly need the “I am not a Robot” captcha

Because that is how my automated responses are

(Am I predictable?? JK)

But, most of the time I am just doing this

To escape the d(a)emons of my mind

The real problems that bug me

The things that keep me up at the night

And, tires me down during the day

We try to shush something into the background

But, soon enough it becomes too big and consumes you

We all need doors and windows in our mind

And, out to the multiverse

To let it all out

To let things in

Where being connected won’t suffice

True connection is what we all want

And what we all need, and deserve to have

P.S

A daemon is a long-running background process that answers requests for services. The term was coined by the programmers of MIT’s Project MAC. They took the name from Maxwell’s demon, an imaginary being from a thought experiment that constantly works in the background, sorting molecules.

Quasi-mystic

Walk away from bricks that will never add up to houses
And, windows not enough to bring in light how much ever we pry it open

The world that forces to see glasses as half full, even when the jarring emptiness hits back at you
The coping concoction thrown at us
And, noone is to be blamed
After all, we were brought up on spoonfuls of sugar before swallowing the bitter pills

So we must have gotten used to some wins, and also to take some on the chin
And, come to think of it
Dreams comes at a cost
But, so do sacrifices

And, yet we try to play heroes in the stories that were never written for us
Mere puppets of life that we were, and probably all that we will ever be

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Where is the rainbow?

All night it rained

But it did not drown away the fears and sorrow

Of people being taken away too soon

Jobs lost and lives at a standstill

Faces are forgotten and names that could not be recollected

Finding peace in memories and stories of the past

Counting blessings and feeling grateful

Pushing down the frustration, the helplessness most of all

There seems no respite, no end in sight

A year before we started a journey and it feels like we still have not reached home

And it may take longer

How far can you go along?

A heart needs what a heart needs

It is okay if you feel the need for more

It is okay if you feel the need to be more

It is okay if you feel both

It is okay if you feel neither

They say you are never really alone

The truth is there are times you feel quite the opposite

Despite everything you have and everyone in your life

You may still feel very very very alone

You may find yourself vividly awake in the middle of the night; Unable to put your thoughts to sleep

You may find you watching yourself in a dream but unable to take control, take over the reins

Whatever you are feeling now, it is okay

You will be ready when you are ready

Until then love, laugh, cry, grieve, fight, do it all

You are everything that you are

You are parts you love and parts you don’t love

You are what others seek in you and do not seek as well

You are not in pursuit of a rainbow when the rain clears and the sun shines

No

You are the rainbow

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No man is an island?

It’s hard to be heard

And more, to be understood 

It’s okay to be alone

But, difficult to be lonely 

When so many are around

Still, not one to see the real you 

We talk a lot

But, where is the connection?

We share a lot 

But do you care?

Yes, it’s not anyone’s fault 

All have their battles to fight

But, does it have to be like that?

Should: “How are you?” be answered with “I am fine,  thank you”?

Should it not be okay to show anger, passion, disappointment?

Should it be okay to raise your voice once in a while?

 

And, we were taught

 

“The nail that sticks out gets hammered down”

 

“Go with the flow”

 

“Don’t swim against the tide”

 

And, a lot of us tried 

But to what end? 

Is the fear of losing something or someone more than losing a part of yourself?

 

But, more and more, a feeling arises

That we cannot be in two boats at a time

We cannot hide behind diplomacy

We have to pick a side and not the neutral trap 

 

But, then I am a coward

Who chose to follow the herd,  than being heard

Who envy those who can speak their heart

And, one day I hope to stand up for what is right

To fight the fight

 

And, until I find that courage, that self-worth

I will forever be an island,  like many of you are

 

 

Bubble Nest

I once had a fish

A blue boy that blew bubbles after bubbles

I see men

Doing the same

To build a nest for their family

Breathing life into their dreams

Some have built bubble nests

Some have their nests in a bubble

The hope and fight for both are real

Lest not the bubbles burst 

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