“It has been a great year, thanks for being part of it” flooded my home page. I clicked on a few, ignored a couple of them, resisted temptation to see mine, fell prey to reviewing it in the end (but had a little will power left, so did not succumb to sharing it). Anyway, I was looking, in fact staring at my FB timeline for a long time. From a person who had talked and shared a lot, I have transitioned to someone who speaks out when it is required, and most surprising was the long periods of radio silence that is so unlike me.
So I ended up wondering, is it that I kind of regressed from using social media to express (literally translated as fed up with FB) or I selectively shared what I wanted people to know (you know, this impression management stuff) or is it a fundamental change in me (and if so, for good or bad)?
I feel this year like many before and perhaps like many yet to come, throws more questions at me, than have revealed answers. Many a today went by, when I was busy thinking about tomorrow or was stuck in yesterday. I had so many stories to tell, but they were too close to my heart, that I wanted it to be just mine and not speak about it. There’s this one about my bond with my house – it’s this sweet friendship story about me and my house- how four walls was my only solace during loneliness, by being there for me all the time, seeing through my happiness, sorrows, the only place I could express myself. Or, there was this day I felt I should never have a baby girl, because I was too scared to bring her into this cruel and unsafe world.
Hmm, did you raise an eyebrow or wrinkle your forehead in disapproval?? This is exactly what I am talking about. The fear of being judged or perceived wrongly has gotten to me, that I measure what I say. I frame a sentence in my head, play it, replay it and then let it out. Well, I was not like this before- I spoke my heart out and I guess, happier, though I screwed up sometimes. But these days, I live in a constant paranoia of being watched, assessed, evaluated, I really don’t know if I am honest anymore. Forget being honest with others, by going against my instinct, I am not even honest with myself.
Now, I see a lot of people who seem to be expressing whatever they feel and I am totally jealous of them. I envy those who get to follow their dreams and also fearlessly talk about it. People seem to opinion-ate more (and also feel genuine) – about movies they like, what they think of politics, of relationships they are in, how they feel about something and so on. While, all I seem to be doing is failing miserably at being politically correct or diplomatic or not taking sides.
A friend of mine recently told me that I am a pleaser, perhaps he’s true, by trying to fit into every mold, I have lost myself somewhere, that I don’t even know what I want anymore. And here comes a new year, where I am reviewing some random pics based on what I chose to tell world, and thinking is that me? It’s that time we take resolutions and I don’t even know who I am, forget what I want to be.
I guess it’s perhaps late to say this is coming of age, and probably early to say this is a midlife crisis; whatever it is, I can only go through it and hope this experience will make me better, and not get the better off me.
Now, back to the square one, now that I have written this, should you be seeing it??
To be or not to be, that is the question.