Guest Blog #2: One last look back at you!

The protagonist is not afraid to say, he is a flirt. He flirts, cause to him, flirting is a game, one he excels at. Words, have always come to him easily, when he lays eyes on a beautiful woman, ever more so. The charm and the smile does what words couldn’t if they ever failed him. Make no mistake though, a flirt he may be, but a romantic more so at heart. The protagonist wishes to relive and share some candid thoughts he had for a woman who made a mark in his life. Carl Jung once said, “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”, and the protagonist is thankful to “the ex”, and wishes to pay homage for the transformation she helped bring about.

And thus, came the conclusion to that, with a mighty sob that tugged the strings in my heart just as your nonchalant smile did the first time I laid my eyes on you. I wished ever so much to console you, tell you things are going to be good; With a heavy heart I said goodbye, a mumble under the breath followed by acquiescence. Long distance, have left many victims in their wake. Won’t deny it, I cried myself to sleep that night and a few after that (Alpha male, what is that? Besides manliness is overrated, unless you are one of those guys). They say karma is a bitch (always wondered who they are, hold them by the scruff shout at them while I violently shake them “Why must you always be right, and who are you to prove me wrong?”), and I shall have my comeuppance for the agony you suffered. But today, today is not the day for it. Today I shall remember you, glorify you, and finally be able to say, sorry for your misery but thank you for making me a part of your life. Thank you for having shared your time with me, laughed and shared your insights with me. I shall never forget you for as long as I shall exist.

Knock knock, rings the notification tone in the background; The clickety clack of the keyboard gone, replaced by the lull of expectation. I purse my lips, a wry smile on the horizon as I reach out to check the text. The walks where I would call you, and hear your morning voice, fresh from your sleep,  those moments stay fresh in my mind. You taught me to enjoy food more (Beef Bourgogne, Indian cuisine? Yum yum), the look of relish and childlike happiness as you dip your roti in the curry and gently slip it into your mouth. You taught me to never be afraid of trying things (Avial (South Indian dish)) with bitter gourd, suffice to say, I am still scared from that one.) and most of all, I learnt to take things one day at a time.

980x

I respect you, and I have always had nothing but love for you. Gripes there were a few, you made me feel worthless at times with your sharp words, as if I was nothing but a fly on the wall. I should have opened out about our relationship to my parents and validated it, which I failed to do. I failed to placate the doubts which should have been uprooted at inception. Times aplenty when language would stop us from understanding each other, but I also learnt how a relationship need not be anything but fun. Hurting you was never something I wished, but you knew it right from the beginning when you started calling me a foetus, and foetus is what I eventually showed myself to be. Distance, I am afraid brought cracks in my belief of us. I should have stood up, earned our right to be part of each other’s lives. Naysayers there were aplenty, but see through this with a smile on my face I should have. Counterproductive, but one day, hopefully you shall look back at this, less bitter and disappointed in me, having moved on to someone more deserving your affection, have a wry smile on your face and finally think “I didn’t understand you back then, but I can finally forgive you”.

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Shruthi says:

I have known “The one who don’t want to be named” for a long long time now. I feel the best part of him is he can laugh until tummy hurts and cry like a baby when need be.To be able to go through something and feel emotion in truest sense is great, and I wish he does not change ever 🙂

Author’s inner monologue:

Three things that I fancy : food, travel and my ego. I spend my time thinking of the time I can get on the airport, nibbling away at the next  fancy meal, preferably with oysters and champagne, and the next time I can hear someone say I am amazing.
Put me in the company of people who want to experience new things and learn, and I will be happy. I write and read purely to express my superiority over others. Oh, and in case you haven’t figured, I am a narcissist. The joys of going anonymous

I am ———- !

These days I work from home and when I am chatting with someone over office network my mom can always guess what I am talking without even looking at screen. So, I was intrigued and asked her how do you do that, to which she replies: “Oh, it’s all those expressions on your face: the pouting, screwed up eyebrows and smiling”. And, I was like “hmm”.

Then, the other day I called my husband hoping to catch him for a few minutes alone and I heard some voice in background. So, I was silent and he laughed (cute one ;)) and said ” You are jealous, are you not?”. So I said “er, I am not”. And, he laughed a little more (still cute) and said ” I know you”.

So, while I pushed these to back of my mind and did not give it much thought, there was something I could not ignore. I got feedback from couple of people who read my previous blogs on how sad I sounded. There was even a discussion between two of my good friends who felt am going through this really sad period after reading my latest blogs, and my friend told to the other: “oh, it’s just her mood swings, read some of her old posts, she’s a dreamy girl in those”.

Now all this got me thinking: Is it not great that I can feel all these emotions, whether it is love, sorrow, despair, jealousy, insecurity and what not. Further more, if I go from one to another in a short time span, why call it a mood swing?? Here is where I beg to differ from people who tend to fixate on a particular emotion I am going through at a certain point and think that is what I am. Truth is I am a sum of all the emotions I go through and though it may seem like it is a soup, it really is not – it helps me deal with feelings on a day-to-day, sometimes even an hour to hour basis. And, I truly believe that it is not emotional instability or volatility, but rather what completes me as a person.

I have been thinking a lot about why are we not encouraged to feel every bit of what we are going through and express it?? Why is there such a pride associated with maintaining a poker face?? Why look down upon people who wear their heart on sleeve?? That took me back to two things. First was an old book I read back in school, which talked about felt emotions and displayed emotions. As a society, I really don’t get why we are obsessed with displaying emotions to fit into a certain mold. Secondly, I thought about this weird conversation I had with a friend of mine. So, we were discussing how one-dimensional it is to often introduce ourselves as “I am NAME”. I mean it is so shallow. What if we lived in a world where I could walk up to you and say “Hello, I am lonely” and you could say “I am friendly”. Would it not solve many issues if we just express our true self instead of projecting for the sake of it?

One thing I am starting to see more and more these days is a growing level of intolerance among people. I feel it is because we keep piling emotions in our mind, where it is like a volcano slowly burning under a heap of ash and one day it all comes out like hot lava scalding everyone around. Instead if we process stuff then and there, and move on, is it not easier and you can also live life to fullest.

Now this is what I feel. I really don’t know if expressing every emotion is going to help, it is just a thought.

Er, I am confused!