Goodbye Serendipity

There was a time I would walk into a store and casually look at things, and buy something that I swear I would never have thought of buying in the first place.

And, I would listen to music that is not my cup of tea, because I stumbled upon it, and end up actually liking it.

I would go to a book store looking for something, then forget why I was there in the first place and explore the cover of books from different genres.

Now, it is so hard to break out and do something random even if I want to. I will tell you why.

YouTube has got my mix of songs. Even if I choose a song that is different from my usual style by taking some effort, it reverts to my usual list of songs.

If I ever look at something to buy in Amazon or any e-commerce site, the ads keep popping up everywhere I turn. Stop following me Google and Facebook!

Worse is the suggestions; people who bought this, also looked at these two things. And, I am like okay, go on, typecast us. Then, Facebook and LinkedIn think that I should connect to some people because we share similar interests.

And, if I accidentally I have my location on; Google says I have to click some pictures as apparently it is a popular place to do so and tag ourselves in.

The other day, I had a mini heart attack. I saw a private photo of mine in Facebook that they took the liberty of posting themselves, and I was hyperventilating for two minutes, because I did not see the disclaimer that only I can see this.

I miss doing something because I want to, and not because I need to. I want surprises, not suggestions.

I want to discover something new, not because it is trending.

I miss serendipitous encounters.

Apparently, someone said “Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences, but rather it is a tapestry of acts that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan”

But right now, I feel life has become painful stalking from all sides

“To be or not to be, that is the question”

“It has been a great year, thanks for being part of it” flooded my home page. I clicked on a few, ignored a couple of them, resisted temptation to see mine, fell prey to reviewing it in the end (but had a little will power left, so did not succumb to sharing it). Anyway, I was looking, in fact staring at my FB timeline for a long time.  From a person who had talked and shared a lot, I have transitioned to someone who speaks out when it is required, and most surprising was the long periods of radio silence that is so unlike me.

So I ended up wondering, is it that I kind of regressed from using social media to express (literally translated as fed up with FB) or I selectively shared what I wanted people to know (you know, this impression management stuff) or is it a fundamental change in me (and if so, for good or bad)?

I feel this year like many before and perhaps like many yet to come, throws more questions at me, than have revealed answers. Many a today went by, when I was busy thinking about tomorrow or was stuck in yesterday.  I had so many stories to tell, but they were too close to my heart, that I wanted it to be just mine and not speak about it. There’s this one about my bond with my house – it’s this sweet friendship story about me and my house- how four walls was my only solace during loneliness, by being there for me all the time, seeing through my happiness, sorrows, the only place I could express myself. Or, there was this day I felt I should never have a baby girl, because I was too scared to bring her into this cruel and unsafe world.

Hmm, did you raise an eyebrow or wrinkle your forehead in disapproval?? This is exactly what I am talking about. The fear of being judged or perceived wrongly has gotten to me, that I measure what I say. I frame a sentence in my head, play it, replay it and then let it out. Well, I was not like this before- I spoke my heart out and I guess, happier, though I screwed up sometimes. But these days, I live in a constant paranoia of being watched, assessed, evaluated, I really don’t know if I am honest anymore.  Forget being honest with others, by going against my instinct, I am not even honest with myself.

Now, I see a lot of people who seem to be expressing whatever they feel and I am totally jealous of them. I envy those who get to follow their dreams and also fearlessly talk about it. People seem to opinion-ate more (and also feel genuine) – about movies they like, what they think of politics, of relationships they are in, how they feel about something and so on. While, all I seem to be doing is failing miserably at being politically correct or diplomatic or not taking sides.

A friend of mine recently told me that I am a pleaser, perhaps he’s true, by trying to fit into every mold, I have lost myself somewhere, that I don’t even know what I want anymore. And here comes a new year, where I am reviewing some random pics based on what I chose to tell world, and thinking is that me? It’s that time we take resolutions and I don’t even know who I am, forget what I want to be.

I guess it’s perhaps late to say this is coming of age, and probably early to say this is a midlife crisis; whatever it is, I can only go through it and hope this experience will make me better, and not get the better off me.

Now, back to the square one, now that I have written this, should you be seeing it??

To be or not to be, that is the question.