I am ———- !

These days I work from home and when I am chatting with someone over office network my mom can always guess what I am talking without even looking at screen. So, I was intrigued and asked her how do you do that, to which she replies: “Oh, it’s all those expressions on your face: the pouting, screwed up eyebrows and smiling”. And, I was like “hmm”.

Then, the other day I called my husband hoping to catch him for a few minutes alone and I heard some voice in background. So, I was silent and he laughed (cute one ;)) and said ” You are jealous, are you not?”. So I said “er, I am not”. And, he laughed a little more (still cute) and said ” I know you”.

So, while I pushed these to back of my mind and did not give it much thought, there was something I could not ignore. I got feedback from couple of people who read my previous blogs on how sad I sounded. There was even a discussion between two of my good friends who felt am going through this really sad period after reading my latest blogs, and my friend told to the other: “oh, it’s just her mood swings, read some of her old posts, she’s a dreamy girl in those”.

Now all this got me thinking: Is it not great that I can feel all these emotions, whether it is love, sorrow, despair, jealousy, insecurity and what not. Further more, if I go from one to another in a short time span, why call it a mood swing?? Here is where I beg to differ from people who tend to fixate on a particular emotion I am going through at a certain point and think that is what I am. Truth is I am a sum of all the emotions I go through and though it may seem like it is a soup, it really is not – it helps me deal with feelings on a day-to-day, sometimes even an hour to hour basis. And, I truly believe that it is not emotional instability or volatility, but rather what completes me as a person.

I have been thinking a lot about why are we not encouraged to feel every bit of what we are going through and express it?? Why is there such a pride associated with maintaining a poker face?? Why look down upon people who wear their heart on sleeve?? That took me back to two things. First was an old book I read back in school, which talked about felt emotions and displayed emotions. As a society, I really don’t get why we are obsessed with displaying emotions to fit into a certain mold. Secondly, I thought about this weird conversation I had with a friend of mine. So, we were discussing how one-dimensional it is to often introduce ourselves as “I am NAME”. I mean it is so shallow. What if we lived in a world where I could walk up to you and say “Hello, I am lonely” and you could say “I am friendly”. Would it not solve many issues if we just express our true self instead of projecting for the sake of it?

One thing I am starting to see more and more these days is a growing level of intolerance among people. I feel it is because we keep piling emotions in our mind, where it is like a volcano slowly burning under a heap of ash and one day it all comes out like hot lava scalding everyone around. Instead if we process stuff then and there, and move on, is it not easier and you can also live life to fullest.

Now this is what I feel. I really don’t know if expressing every emotion is going to help, it is just a thought.

Er, I am confused!

Smile Please!!

โ€œSmile your special smileโ€, Sri said.

Special smile? , I wondered.

Yes the one which curls up your lips, make your eyes gleam and your face beam. Smile like that of a kid who has seen candy.

I laughed off his definition of smile, got lost in the moment and forgot all about it.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚

And then, few days back, on my way to work, I came across a couple in the metro train. The young bride was new to the city and he was pointing out the landmarks to her. In her eyes, I saw a childish glee and a soft smile played in his lips.

Oh!! , this is that special smile, I thought and I caught myself smiling.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚

Another time, while waiting at a restaurant, my eyes sought out a mother and her five year old son, sitting at a corner. The boy was telling her the numbers 1, 2, 3 till 50, that he had learned in school that day and she was listening to his every word. She pointed to a board and the little boy read out the alphabets โ€˜Wโ€™, โ€˜Eโ€™, โ€˜Lโ€™, โ€˜Cโ€™, โ€˜Oโ€™, โ€˜Mโ€™, โ€˜Eโ€™ one by one, and looked up at her with a puzzled expression. She read out โ€œWelcomeโ€™ and the boy pronounced it slowly, till he finally got it right after a few tries. I saw the triumphant smile of the boy and a lopsided grin cum content smile of mother.

It was infectious, as I was smiling dreamily too ๐Ÿ™‚ Then and there, I began my hobby of observing smiles and believe me, it is real fun.

The shy smile of my roommate when she receives her boy friendโ€™s call, the mischievous smiles of my gang of girls after we pull off a prank on some friend, and then there is the naughty smile of my colleague who hides my cell phone every second hour. I learned that there is more to smile than curving of lips, it says more than what words could ever express. And there are different types of smiles too- the stupid smile, rickety smile, crooked smile, lousy smile, cautious smile, conscious smile, sloppy smile, envious smile and even the sad smile.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚

The beauty of each of these smiles is that with every smile comes another smile. It requires neither a context nor reason; it lights up the mood and spreads happiness. No wonder that, when we close our eyes and imagine our loved ones they are always smiling. Our best pictures have a big smile plastered all over our face.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚

I think a smile is so much a part of our identity, just like our personality. We have our own unique ways of smiling. Perhaps, different smiles each reflective of what we are feeling and what we want to express. If face is the mirror of our mind, then smile is definitely the door to our heart.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚

Smile often, may be a little more than often. After all, itโ€™s a curve that can set a lot of things straight.

๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚