Staring at blank spaces

Well, it is this feeling of what the heck am I doing right now, right here!

It is when you (supposedly) have everything in your life, mostly everything seems to be going your way, but you hardly feel passionate about anything. I particularly feel this when I am at crossroads with someone over something and do not even put the effort to talk it through-but instead feel the urge to walk away. I find it easy to go into a shell and stay in the comfort zone of not confronting or defending something that I believe in. I feel this when someone is looking at things only from their angle, but I feel it is too tiring to explain my point of view and I shrug my shoulders, say something non-committal and go on. It deeply hurts me, my heart bleeds, but I just let it be.

It is when voices thump in my head, but I do not tell anything, because I know I won’t be heard or even may be blamed.

It is when I have an idea and I do not share it, because I know it will be shot down.

It is when I scroll down these social media rants and happen to see the status update column, and ignore it as I really don’t want to put up what I think.

It is when I want to shake someone’s shoulders and say, look at me,  I am right here! But, I turn away and hope that I will be sought after.

It is when someone looks at me like I am a mistake, like I am something that should have been undone.

But it is also as much about you as much it is about me.

It is also when I see people stuck with wrong people, wrong job, and wrong places and doing nothing about it.

It is also when I see the look of resignation in people’s eyes, when they are past struggling, fighting and cribbing, and give up.

It is also when I see people throw in their towel too early in the game.

It is also when I see people fall on one’s own sword.

We are all looking at blank spaces.

blank-space

And, I do not know how to fill it with things that matter. I do not know how to let go of the emotional burden that I carry on my shoulders.

I can only hope I and you have the courage to.

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It’s a doer’s world out there

There are times when you wander aimlessly as if caught in a mental abyss. Your life is almost perfect-you lead a mechanical life; go through the same routine day after day, things are going smooth, but somewhere down the lane you have got this feeling that something is terribly amiss.

Many a time, I have wondered if this emptiness we feel is something that we create and fall back to, because we are never entirely satisfied with ourselves or is it because we truly miss something. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle out of which one piece is lost and the picture is never complete without it.

In my pursuit of the missing link, I took the tried-tested path of looking at people who are content with what they are or what they are doing. I did not have to look beyond the social networking sites to see what’s brewing in each other’s life. One striking feature that I noticed in my peers’ life and which lacked in mine, is that people seemed to have time to do what they really want to. From the looks of it, I see a lot of people following their heart and doing photography, painting, dancing, cooking and what not.  Quite a few of them have left their high paying jobs and chose to become entrepreneurs and some have swapped their corporate life for working in Non Profit Organizations. So have all these people woken up one day, all set to get over the monotony of their lives and changed their lives for good. If so, what is keeping me from doing it?

Life has its ways of throwing answers to your questions in weird ways- I was walking down the bay and saw “Caligynephobia “ scribbled on the white board in my colleague’s work space.  A seed of thought was planted in my mind-Is it fears that keeps us from pursuing our dreams? .It could be fear of coming out of the comfort zone, fear of risk taking or even fear of confronting the insecurities we have. I decided to find out what people felt at that particular time, we later call turning point of our life. What are the emotions they went through and was it worth it?

I asked a couple of friends who turned entrepreneurs after leaving a great job, if they had felt a morbid fear when they took the big leap. One guy’s answer still resonates in my ear; he said “It was sheer restlessness, an itching to do what he really wanted to do which didn’t even allow him to sleep that made him brave his insecurities and take the big foot forward”. I guess most of us will reach a threshold point somewhere down our life where we will give anything to break away from the fears that hold us back from achieving what our heart yearns. The more we resist it, the more unsettling it will be. Sometime or other, we may need to recognize what we truly want and pursue it. There is no point in pushing our heart to believe something which we know is a façade. It will be betraying ourselves and the hurt from it will ruin our happiness.

Most of us are passionate about something or other. However, some people have the courage to pursue their passions and they are the doers, while thinkers spend a half of their lives debating whether they should or not pursue their passions and the other half, nursing a bruised ego coming from realization that they should have followed their hearts after all.

This is indeed the world for doers and as Walt Disney said “All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them”