I am ———- !

These days I work from home and when I am chatting with someone over office network my mom can always guess what I am talking without even looking at screen. So, I was intrigued and asked her how do you do that, to which she replies: “Oh, it’s all those expressions on your face: the pouting, screwed up eyebrows and smiling”. And, I was like “hmm”.

Then, the other day I called my husband hoping to catch him for a few minutes alone and I heard some voice in background. So, I was silent and he laughed (cute one ;)) and said ” You are jealous, are you not?”. So I said “er, I am not”. And, he laughed a little more (still cute) and said ” I know you”.

So, while I pushed these to back of my mind and did not give it much thought, there was something I could not ignore. I got feedback from couple of people who read my previous blogs on how sad I sounded. There was even a discussion between two of my good friends who felt am going through this really sad period after reading my latest blogs, and my friend told to the other: “oh, it’s just her mood swings, read some of her old posts, she’s a dreamy girl in those”.

Now all this got me thinking: Is it not great that I can feel all these emotions, whether it is love, sorrow, despair, jealousy, insecurity and what not. Further more, if I go from one to another in a short time span, why call it a mood swing?? Here is where I beg to differ from people who tend to fixate on a particular emotion I am going through at a certain point and think that is what I am. Truth is I am a sum of all the emotions I go through and though it may seem like it is a soup, it really is not – it helps me deal with feelings on a day-to-day, sometimes even an hour to hour basis. And, I truly believe that it is not emotional instability or volatility, but rather what completes me as a person.

I have been thinking a lot about why are we not encouraged to feel every bit of what we are going through and express it?? Why is there such a pride associated with maintaining a poker face?? Why look down upon people who wear their heart on sleeve?? That took me back to two things. First was an old book I read back in school, which talked about felt emotions and displayed emotions. As a society, I really don’t get why we are obsessed with displaying emotions to fit into a certain mold. Secondly, I thought about this weird conversation I had with a friend of mine. So, we were discussing how one-dimensional it is to often introduce ourselves as “I am NAME”. I mean it is so shallow. What if we lived in a world where I could walk up to you and say “Hello, I am lonely” and you could say “I am friendly”. Would it not solve many issues if we just express our true self instead of projecting for the sake of it?

One thing I am starting to see more and more these days is a growing level of intolerance among people. I feel it is because we keep piling emotions in our mind, where it is like a volcano slowly burning under a heap of ash and one day it all comes out like hot lava scalding everyone around. Instead if we process stuff then and there, and move on, is it not easier and you can also live life to fullest.

Now this is what I feel. I really don’t know if expressing every emotion is going to help, it is just a thought.

Er, I am confused!


4 Replies to “I am ———- !”

  1. My two cents: Mood-swings are aptly called so, because they don’t last for long- like a pendulum that keeps oscillating… Now, lets not get to that hypothesis of ‘what if someone were to stop the pendulum?’ or ‘even a swinging pendulum should stop sometime, right?’..
    All of us are a sum of emotions- a bundle of them, if you may.
    And wearing the heart on our sleeves is not necessarily looked down upon- but, as a clan, we have moved across different levels to be called as ‘humans’. The emotions we face are processed and the ‘appropriate-socially-accepted-behavior’ is what we are generally conditioned to do.. Those that respond to their emotions only- without any filter whatsoever, are called ‘lacking a sound mind’ (what a paradox!! loll!!!)- so, of course, freedom of speech and action are our rights- but, to belong to a civilized society, we tend to follow certain established protocols (including not talking loudly in a place of meditation- for instance, not yelling at that extremely annoying person because, well, he/she is just not worth it.. etc etc.. list is endless)…
    Well said on the way of introducing ourselves; however, imagine if a dozen say they are friendly, how would you call out to them- (may be suffix a numeral to the adjective- which again would mean putting a number to the specific person- so then the toss is between a number and a name.. and that calls for a separate discussion šŸ™‚ )— BTW, why do I see, ‘I am lonely’ first only followed by ‘I am friendly’ šŸ˜›

    In short, every day, just make sure you do one thing that makes u happy (Even if it means the way you comb your hair, for instance šŸ™‚ ) – in the long run, everything will fall in place šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚

    Like they say in Bingo ads- No confusion, only great combination šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚

    Keep smiling! šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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