Every so often you think you are oblivious to certain things. And, suddenly it hits someone close to you. It does affect you; but then you choose to get on with life, doing nothing about it, though you know it’s high time you do something about it.
For as long as I can remember I was on such a race. Running from one thing to another, ticking off things in my to-do list, never taking a break to appreciate things as it is. Until, it hit me-fatigue.
One day, I just wanted to sleep. Nothing less, nothing more. When I walked home from work, all I could think was I need to lie down. I barely got through the door and plopped on bed. Slept forever.
Perhaps, it was a one-off incident. But, it scared me. I thought enough of running around like a headless chicken.
May be I should chase happiness and not goals.
For days, I was thinking just one thing- read a book under a tree. It was like epicenter of everything I was doing was this tree. It was in my head and I even went searching for it. There is a property next to our office, a lush green space in middle of all concrete structures with a sprawling lawn and one big tree. Whenever I finished a deadline or did house work I visualized this tree.
It gave me peace, strength, focus and a goal which I was happy to chase. And, the tedious deadlines became pleasurable. And, this visualization that pushed me forward did come true. Well, not totally, I settled for reading near a window with view of a neem tree.
Now the distance between these two incidents is not as easy as you think. Forget, reassessing the priorities and the emotional drama part- where your brain says something and heart overrides it. But, the real part is putting thoughts into action- attempting to work out a fixed yet flexible schedule, planning a good diet, finding time for exercising and some fun time as well.
And, most importantly trying to figure out if I can still be fiercely ambitious as I was- should I be taking it slow?
I spend a good deal of our late night walks debating it with my husband on this and decided that I just cannot compromise on either. I won’t be happy either way if I have to choose between the two.
Next task was to think what made me happy and that was easy- thinking or speaking about my childhood days. What was so special about childhood? Perhaps, it was that I took one thing at a time and enjoyed everything I did. I thought- what the heck, let me try that for a week and I have been hooked to it ever since.
Now, let’s be fair here. It’s not like I have been consistent. If my mom is here- she would say “ Arambha Shooratham” ( attempt at translating from Malayalam: Beginner’s over enthusiasm). There could be friends or colleagues who say “She is never satisfied”. But so far I have been trying, it has been working and I am happy.
All said and done- life is not an Indian movie to become an overnight success in one song. In my experience there is no such thing as a balance nor there possibility of ever achieving a goal. When target is always running ahead of you what is the point in chasing it. I would say everything is a give and take. The trick is never tally at end of the day; just mend things so that you are always better off.
Right now, I am better off 😉 And that is no illusion.