“To be or not to be, that is the question”


“It has been a great year, thanks for being part of it” flooded my home page. I clicked on a few, ignored a couple of them, resisted temptation to see mine, fell prey to reviewing it in the end (but had a little will power left, so did not succumb to sharing it). Anyway, I was looking, in fact staring at my FB timeline for a long time.  From a person who had talked and shared a lot, I have transitioned to someone who speaks out when it is required, and most surprising was the long periods of radio silence that is so unlike me.

So I ended up wondering, is it that I kind of regressed from using social media to express (literally translated as fed up with FB) or I selectively shared what I wanted people to know (you know, this impression management stuff) or is it a fundamental change in me (and if so, for good or bad)?

tomato-identity-crisis

I feel this year like many before and perhaps like many yet to come, throws more questions at me, than have revealed answers. Many a today went by, when I was busy thinking about tomorrow or was stuck in yesterday.  I had so many stories to tell, but they were too close to my heart, that I wanted it to be just mine and not speak about it. There’s this one about my bond with my house – it’s this sweet friendship story about me and my house- how four walls was my only solace during loneliness, by being there for me all the time, seeing through my happiness, sorrows, the only place I could express myself. Or, there was this day I felt I should never have a baby girl, because I was too scared to bring her into this cruel and unsafe world.

Hmm, did you raise an eyebrow or wrinkle your forehead in disapproval?? This is exactly what I am talking about. The fear of being judged or perceived wrongly has gotten to me, that I measure what I say. I frame a sentence in my head, play it, replay it and then let it out. Well, I was not like this before- I spoke my heart out and I guess, happier, though I screwed up sometimes. But these days, I live in a constant paranoia of being watched, assessed, evaluated, I really don’t know if I am honest anymore.  Forget being honest with others, by going against my instinct, I am not even honest with myself.

Now, I see a lot of people who seem to be expressing whatever they feel and I am totally jealous of them. I envy those who get to follow their dreams and also fearlessly talk about it. People seem to opinion-ate more (and also feel genuine) – about movies they like, what they think of politics, of relationships they are in, how they feel about something and so on. While, all I seem to be doing is failing miserably at being politically correct or diplomatic or not taking sides.

A friend of mine recently told me that I am a pleaser, perhaps he’s true, by trying to fit into every mold, I have lost myself somewhere, that I don’t even know what I want anymore. And here comes a new year, where I am reviewing some random pics based on what I chose to tell world, and thinking is that me? It’s that time we take resolutions and I don’t even know who I am, forget what I want to be.

I guess it’s perhaps late to say this is coming of age, and probably early to say this is a midlife crisis; whatever it is, I can only go through it and hope this experience will make me better, and not get the better off me.

Now, back to the square one, now that I have written this, should you be seeing it??

To be or not to be, that is the question.

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4 thoughts on ““To be or not to be, that is the question””

  1. Why the need for introspection allof a sudden?I always thought you are an impulsive &outspoken girl.go on being yourself &sail forth without feeling doubt or paranoia.a well written piece.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just because some one has changed doesn’t mean they’ve changed their identity. It’s just a change.. Doesn’t mean the old one was real and this is fake.. It’s just a development or transformation that is unavoidable..

    Liked by 1 person

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